pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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