My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
