you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
sick fucks of a feather flock together
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
