last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
