WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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