Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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