You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
