I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
