I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
