There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
