Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
