Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
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