she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
this will be a night to untag.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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