worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
