I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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