Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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