Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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