my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
