Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Well I just put wine in my tea
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Damn victory sex feels great
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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