Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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