fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
