Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
