im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
