she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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