The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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