Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You took a bar mat shot.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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