Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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