my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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