quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I look better un-naked...
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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