she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
