yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
