So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
