saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
