he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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