I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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