I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
