I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
