My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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