if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Randomize
