UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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