I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
