Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize