I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
