Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
