i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
