my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
