She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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