oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
its liver damage thursday
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
