Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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