our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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