I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
