My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
