sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You need Xanax blowdarts
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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