You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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