Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I'm having to shit out rocks
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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