like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
i think i just lost a toe
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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